


If You Want These Kind Of Dreams

by bloomering



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Disappointment, Emotional Hurt, Han Jisung | Han is a Little Shit, Hurt No Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin is a bit dumb, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentioned Lee Minho | Lee Know, Mentioned Pornography, Non-Explicit use of Recreational drugs, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Time Skips, Vaguely set in Los Angeles circa 1995, Weed and alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28826151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomering/pseuds/bloomering
Summary: Three months ago, with one small suitcase in hand and a dream, Hyunjin arrived in LA.When you are a child they tell you to dream big. At school they paint you a pretty picture of the perfect future and allow you to color in your own little way. It's easy. It's simple. The world is your oyster and you're allowed to play with it, have fun!But you shouldn't fall for that trap.You shouldn't fall like Hyunjin did."It's the edge of the world and all of Western civilizationThe sun may rise in the East at least it's settled in a final locationIt's understood that Hollywood sells Californication."
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 58
Collections: Be Kind: Rewind! | SKZ 90s Fic Fest





	If You Want These Kind Of Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for clicking on my little story <3 This work is part of the SKZ 90s Fest Collection and my song prompt was "Californiacation" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  
> [Here's a little playlist I made for it](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmfdNXncn8lhL_MoMy2UQuus-reguzfVC)
> 
> Make sure to check out the other works in the collection and have fun reading <3

The murky water going down the drain carried dust and broken dreams. A gross stench of strangers' hands lingering in his nostrils.

Hyunjin exhaled sharply.

It wasn't always like this.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

. . . 

Three months ago, with one small suitcase in hand and a dream, Hyunjin arrived in LA. Yes, he knew it wouldn't be easy, he told himself that every day, just to stay sane if anything else. But if the movies he grew up watching taught him anything, the booming Californian air was what he needed to fully free himself from the restricting bounds set by his parents. He needed a fresh start, so he left his home in South Korea towards sunny California.

The plan was simple: get a temporary job somewhere, his uncle had connections in Koreatown; go on auditions; become a star. That was simple, right? He’s seen it happen before, he’s read the stories, multiple times. 

He dreamed about this at night through his teenage years, kicking the covers because just dreaming wasn't enough. Hyunjin knew he had the talent, he didn’t need anyone to tell him that. And now that he was free from his parents chains? Now Hyunjin could fly and no one would dare stop him.

When you are a child they tell you to dream big. At school they paint you a pretty picture of the perfect future and allow you to color in your own little way. It's easy. It's simple. The world is your oyster and you're allowed to play with it, have fun! 

But you shouldn't fall for that trap.

You shouldn't fall like Hyunjin did. 

_ June 1st _

_ Minho-hyung, _

_ I finally arrived in LA last night and when i got to my hotel I basically passed out in bed (over the covers, still in my clothes can you believe it?!). It's really hot here, hotter than I expected, not that I expected it to not be hot, I just got surprised that's all… Anyways, how's summer going there? Are the dance workshops fun? Did you finally ask for the number from that cute boy that works in the library??? I know you like him Minho, don't deny it… Plus I’m pretty sure he’s gay cause he seemed to know an awful lot about those queer theory books you were looking for the other day... _

_ I hope it's okay that I'm writing to you like this, I miss it when we used to send airplane letters through each other's fences when we were kids… I know you’ll roll your eyes over all this sentimentalism and say it's silly to dwell on the past and all, I get it Minho-hyung, but I still miss it and most importantly, I already miss you. Hope you get to come visit me one day, you know, when I get rich and famous. _

_ Okay I need to go now, gotta check out that job my uncle found for me before I left (and later I'll look for auditions!). I'm sending a physical letter now but i will try to find a public computer so I can send you actual emails, but while i can't do that, miss me a lot please.  _

_ Alright, I’m going now! I love you and already miss you!  _

_ Goodbye Minho-hyung, take care!!! _

_ With love, _

_ Hyunjinnie _

The job his uncle had found for him was at a small family owned convenience store in the middle of Koreatown. After exchanging a few words with the owner, Hyunjin was hired. He would work along another boy, just a few years older than him, named Chan. In their brief conversation, Hyunjin learned the boy had come to LA alone, just like him, a few years ago, he mentioned something about music and chasing after his dreams. He seemed to be very warm and welcoming, probably due to having a similar story to Hyunjin and wanting to make sure the younger adapted well to the new environment. The tenseness Hyunjin didn't even know he had been carrying up until then dissipating slowly as he talked to the older.

Hyunjin was lucky, he really was. Within a week of moving into Los Angeles he had found a friend, a low yet steady income and still had lots of time to explore the city, to chase after his dreams. The owner of the store had a small kitnet to rent, he soon moved his few belongings there and settled down. 

Things seemed to be falling into place. Koreatown was definitely a safe haven, many spoke korean there and the old ladies from the shops gave him bits of food every night, making sure he had enough to survive. 

Hyunjin felt safe, but safe is not what he wanted. No, Hyunjin did not cross an entire ocean to sit around being pampered by the same  _ ajummas _ he could find down the street he grew up in. He wanted life, he craved it. As time passed he found himself more and more leaving familiarity and chasing after the bustling embrace of LA nights.

That is how he ended up every other night at west Hollywood clubs, decked out in sparkly cheap jewelry, dancing to the freeing lyrics of En Vogue and Diana Ross. 

And Hyunjin turned heads, he was pretty, he was young, he was different and he poured his whole soul onto the dancefloor. His moves were captivating and for the first time in his life, Hyunjin felt what it was like to be admired. But no matter how much fun he had, by the end of the night he would go home alone, the weight of his loneliness pushing down his shoulders, draining him little by little. So maybe he became accustomed to the sharp edge of cheap alcohol down his throat. And maybe he convinced himself that all was well in spite of that.

“Hey Hyunjin,” Chan called from the back of the store where he came from, carrying various cardboard boxes. He laid them down in the middle of the aisle and started unboxing breathlessly. 

Chan was cute.

No, Chan was hot. Hyunjin had been so entranced by the way his arms moved as he put sauce bottles on the shelves that he didn't realize the man was still talking to him.

“Oh, I’m sorry, what?” Hyunjin hurried to help him, getting the contents from the other boxes.

“I was asking about your auditions, did you get an agent?”

“Hm, no actually.”

“But have you been managing to land any gigs on your own?”

“No…”

“Well, I actually have a friend who just got a role in some TV show, I could talk to him, maybe he can hook you up?”

“Yeah that'd be awesome, Chan.” the older man beamed, showing his dimples. Okay, yeah he was actually really fucking cute. Hyunjin returned the smile. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem man, if you ever need any help I’m here, not just with work.”

“I know, thank you Chan.”

Really too cute, perhaps…

“Hey Chan…”

Chan smiled at him kindly. Maybe this was a weird idea.

“Would you.. Would you want to go out to the clubs with me sometime?”

“Oh” Hyunjin’s smiled dropped. A really weird idea. “Sorry, Jinnie. I don't really do clubs.”

“I'm sorry, I didn't know.”

“It's okay Jinnie, don't worry. Besides, I often work at night on my songs so I’m usually busy.” He offered him an apologetic smile. “But if you want, we could go sometime to the beach? Watch the sunset on a day off, what do you think?”

“I’d like that.” 

Sunset at the beach with Chan ended up never happening. The older never touched the subject again and Hyunjin didn't bother asking. Chan was definitely someone Hyunjin felt safe around and in a sense that terrified him, falling into a comfortable routine, taking things slow. It's something he could see happening but not what he particularly wanted. 

To be fair, Hyunjin didn't know what he wanted at that moment. He had talked to Chan’s actor friend and he had some connections, but Hyunjin was scared of reaching out and being turned down again.

Hyunjin was getting tired of being turned down.

He laid there on his tiny bedroom floor wondering if he should bother getting up. Some days he would just stay home, not wanting to go out and seek yet another disappointment. 

He wondered when he had gotten so caught up in his little dreams that he forgot to look over crucial details. He felt confident in his english and acting skills, he could dance too and he thought it would be enough to get him through it all. The pretty little picture he had painted in his head though was full of blank spaces.

The old ceiling fan barely kept the heat from forming heavy droplets of sweat on his forehead, Hyunjin had taken the habit of lying down for hours until morning came again. Just looking up at the repetitive movements of the old fan, becoming acquainted with the ever growing pile of dust on the floor that he couldn't bother cleaning.

It wasn't that Hyunjin was depressed. He was just bored. Disappointed and bored and eager to do something to fill his life with purpose but not knowing where to start, scared of falling out. Of just feeling like a failure.

The buzz of the night slipped through his ears, it was around 19:30 on a Tuesday and business was slow so he allowed himself a break, deciding to light up a cigarette. 

He never expected to take up smoking.

He also never expected to accept a role in a porn movie.

_ “Just as an extra. Just this time.” _ he told himself, holding onto the nicotine as his dreams started to fade away right in front of his eyes.

The way it happened was sort of like a blur. A hazy vision that slowly turned concrete. The condescending looks from casting directors haunted his sleep every night. And he was finally starting to crack.

After one month into realizing just how flawed his plan was, he finally called one of Chan’s friend’s contacts. 

They had a role for him! And it paid relatively well too. 

It just wasn't what Hyunjin had expected.

As he entered the studio for a big LA based company, he had already accepted defeat. He needed to start somewhere, at least that's what he told himself. It wasn't that the idea was awful, it just wasn't what he wanted originally.

He didn't have to do much after all, they needed some extras to shout lines and look pretty in the background of party scenes. Honestly, Hyunjin felt he was way too pretty to be doing that, but luck wasn't on his side and he wasn't about to complain.

It was still better than nothing.

Slouching against the glass wall of the convenience store, he took another deep drag. Hyunjin hated the taste in his mouth but he needed a distraction so he smoked away. 

"Hey pretty boy," 

Hyunjin turned his face towards the voice, slightly confused and a bit annoyed at having his quiet break time disturbed.

"Well, you certainly answer to the name... Pretty boy." 

The stranger held a smirk equal parts infuriating and flattering. Even though he looked small, Hyunjin felt intimidated by his presence, something about him reeked of trouble, but at the same time comforted him. Korean too, by the looks of it, and considering where they were, it was most likely. The answer to his queries came in the next words that slipped through the stranger’s mouth:

"Got a lighter?" he asked in korean, Hyunjin awkwardly fumbled for the lighter in his back pocket.

"Cute" the stranger smiled inspecting the pink transparent case Hyunjin handed him. He took his time lighting up the cigarette and taking a drag, turning his face to the side to blow out the smoke, showcasing his jaw illuminated by the neon sign lights. 

He was pretty. 

"You're not much of a talker, are you?"

Just then, Hyunjin realized he hadn't uttered a single word to his new company, he cleared his throat: 

"Sorry, I'm-"

"I’m Jisung. Han Jisung” the boy stretched out his hand in a formal way, a seemingly strange gesture compared to his somewhat arrogant attitude.

"Hwang Hyunjin.” he quietly shook his hand.

"I've seen you before.” Jisung smiled suggestively. 

“I work at this store, kinda hard to miss my face if I'm being honest” something about this Jisung guy made Hyunjin want to show off, whether it was for the sake of competition or something else, he didn't know.

“I'm afraid I can't disagree with you but… That's not what i meant.”

The confused look Hyunjin pulled was met with giggles from the boy, something akin to endearment painting his features. 

“In the movies, I mean… Like you said, your face is hard to miss” he smirked. Teasingly.

Hyunjin felt his face burn hot, no way had he been recognized for appearing in a  _ porn _ movie of all things, that must have been his worst nightmare. Well, at least the guy didn't seem to mind,  _ he  _ was the one who had watched the movie in the first place. Either way, he didn't know how to reply, stumbling over his words with a dumb look on his face.

“You're cute, you should consider bigger roles.” he winked taking a drag from his newly lit cigarette, and started walking away “I’ll see you around, yeah?” 

The last words coming out enveloped by the white smoke felt like a promise. A made deal. Hyunjin didn't know when or where, but they would see each other again. 

The next time Hyunjin saw Han Jisung, the boy was sucking on his neck in the back of a dirty club, pressing him against the graffitied wall. Senses blurred by the melodies of some hip hop song and the nauseating smell of alcohol. Jisung’s tongue left the taste of weed and cheap american food down his throat, it was disgusting and Hyunjin loved it. He loved being desired, devoured even. It felt like a breath of fresh air. Different from anything he ever had. Different from being turned down. 

So they kept meeting each other. Again and again. At Hyunjin’s 25 square meter kitnet. In the alley at the back of the clubs. In the bathroom of some rich kid’s house party. Under the docks by the beach.

Shared secrets as they rolled around each other under the scorching sun at Venice Beach. Hyunjin in roller skates; Jisung on a skateboard, orbiting around him like the moon.

And Hyunjin convinced himself, again and again, that all was well.

Jisung fell into his routine easily, to the point where Hyunjin didn't even notice he started to change it to mold into whatever Jisung offered him. It was a lot and nothing at all. They were together almost every single day, but Hyunjin knew virtually nothing about Jisung.

At 7 pm Jisung rolled around the convenience store on his skateboard, like he had become accustomed to doing. Grabbing some snack - a lollipop today, cherry flavored - Hyunjin knew he wouldn't pay for and sliding down next to the counter. A daring smile never leaving his lips and his gaze set on a working Hyunjin.

“What time do you get off?” he asked out of habit “... Pretty boy.” 

“You know my shift ends at 8.” Hyunjin barely glanced at the boy in front of him, busying himself with counting the cash.

“And stop calling me that.” he added, failing to hide a soft smile painting his lips.

“I know, pretty boy.” he replied nonetheless, earning an eye roll from Hyunjin “And I'll keep asking until you decide to drop this and leave earlier with me.”

“And if I'm not working here how are you gonna get all this free food?” asked Hyunjin, finally closing the cashier box and leaning in closer to Jisung.

“First of all, I don't need you to get my snacks.” he argued, sucking on the red candy with pouty lips “Secondly, didn't say anything about quitting, just leave earlier so we can catch the sun setting at Venice Beach.” he smiled, closing in the distance between them. 

Jisung’s kisses were addicting, even the quickest ones. His lips were hot and burned against Hyunjin’s who was always left wanting more and more.

“Please” he muttered, hovering his lips over Hyunjin’s, voice tipping into a begging tone, but not quite there. Hyunjin’s entire body tingled.

“I guess I can ask Chan-hyung to cover for me.” Jisung’s victorious smile was infuriating. “Just this once.” he added, a silly attempt at getting some leverage.

“Thank you.” and with that Jisung gave in completely, kissing Hyunjin deeply, seemingly unbothered by the fact that they were in a very public space, where anyone could walk in at any moment. Hyunjin got high on Jisung’s recklessness, and he was hooked.

After promising Chan he would cover for him any time (which Chan politely refused), Hyunjin dressed out of his work clothes and followed Jisung to a taxi. They arrived at the beach just as the sun was halfway into the deep sea. The orange glow painted everything in warm tones and the ocean breeze cooled Hyunjin’s bare arms and legs, a funny contrast to Jisung’s completely covered limbs, even under the torrid weather.

Jisung smiled at Hyunjin, his big gummy smile that hid away any signs of deviance and could make anyone fall in love. He grabbed the older boy by the wrist and ran towards an empty spot on the sand.

Han Jisung was the promise of eternal youth.

He was sudden outbursts and spontaneous trips. Spending the night watching the waves crash, getting high off each other and whatever substance they had at hand. Staying for hours in the same spot, letting the drowsiness and bliss from the salted water pull them down. The itch of the sand mixed with the prickling sweat that ran down their backs being the last of their concerns.

Han Jisung was euphoria personified and whatever it is that he gave, Hyunjin would take it.

Hyunjin exchanged his hopes and dreams for somebody he barely knew without even realizing, and when reality threatened to hit him, he just popped another colorful pill, pulled in for another kiss, another bite.

"Wanna go back to mine?"

The first time Jisung invited Hyunjin over was on a normal Wednesday right after they went out for burgers. 

_ “The best burgers in all of LA!” _ Jisung had said. They were alright.

It felt like they were a normal couple. Hyunjin knew they weren't, though in times like this it sure felt like it. But he still knew essentially nothing about Jisung. Hyunjin had come to realize he knew essentially nothing about anything. 

Jisung took them to an alley next to an old two story building, they entered through a door there that seemed to lead to the back of the building. The hair on Hyunjin’s neck stood up at the ominous environment, but he chose to trust Jisung. 

The door led them to a dimly lit room, it was scattered with a few guys Hyunjin had never seen around Jisung, except for one, Changbin, he identified. Some of those guys were huddled around a table illuminated by a bright neon light, what they were doing was concealed by their bodies and it looked secretive. Hyunjin couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't supposed to be there.

“Don't worry about them, Jin." Jisung kissed his neck nudging him forward and leading towards a dingy spiral staircase at the back of the room, “We're up."

They climbed the squeaky stairs and Jisung walked them through a dark corridor and into a suite. After turning on the yellow ceiling light and leaving his stuff on the floor by the bed, Jisung pulled Hyunjin into a kiss.

"Jisung, what is this place?" Hyunjin asked, slightly pushing his shoulders away.

"I told you not to worry Jinnie, it's safe here with me." then his mouth was busy mapping Hyunjin’s neck with kisses. Hyunjin wasn't worried, he just wanted to know. 

The room smelled of cigarettes and mold, not the sexiest combination, but Jisung didn't seem to care. "Come in, let's shower, I feel gross."

Right. Cause a shower was gonna get rid of the stench the room held. But Hyunjin felt it was not his place to question. As they got under the water he realized he just wanted to let Jisung fuck him and never question anything at all.

But maybe he had  _ some  _ questions that needed answers.

“Jisung,” he spoke softly as the boy clung to his back, coming down from his high.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Who were those guys downstairs?” he disentangled himself from Jisung’s embrace, forcing the other to face him. Jisung took in a deep breath then began soaping up his body.

“They uh, I work for them…”

Hyunjin nodded at him to go on, but Jisung turned to rinse himself.

“Can we… Can we talk about this in bed?”

“Yeah, sure.” Hyunjin feared the shakiness in Jisung’s voice, but he told himself it was fine, he could trust Jisung.

They both dried themselves in the same damp towel which made Hyunjin’s insides turn a bit, but then Jisung gave Hyunjin clean and soft sweatpants, opting for an oversized long sleeved shirt himself. He turned on the fan to the maximum level and they both got on the bed, not bothering to get under the covers.

“So. Those guys... You recognized Changbin, right?” Jisung started as Hyunjin nestled his head on the other’s shoulder. “I've known him for a few years now. I do some stuff for him and his friends, they let me rent this room for a low cost. It works.”

Hyunjin nodded. “But what exactly do you do?”

“I pick stuff for them, sell some of their stash.” he softly mumbled.

“You sell what?” Hyunjin inquired, looking up.

“Drugs, Hyunjin. I sell heroin. I'm a dealer” he replied then, loud and clear.

An uncomfortable silence rested upon them for a while until Jisung spoke up.

“I’m sorry if you-”

“Why didn't you tell me before?” Hyunjin cut him off. He wasn't worried. He just wanted to know. 

“I… people usually turn me away when they find out.” genuine fear crossed Jisung’s features as he quickly looked away. Hyunjin was taken aback by how vulnerable he got, he felt grateful for that, as if Jisung’s walls were finally starting to crack, revealing raw emotions beyond the confident façade.

“Hey Ji, look at me.” he pulled Jisung’s face towards him, “You don't have to worry about me leaving you because of that, okay? We all gotta make a living, I would know that.”

“But?” Jisung had obviously noticed the slight hesitancy in Hyunjin’s voice before he himself had realized it was there.

“You don't take it, right? Just sell?” Hyunjin was scared of the answer but he needed to know.

“Oh no, god no. Not anymore at least, I left that shit behind me. I'm only on weed and some harmless pills now.”

“But you still sell it to others.”

“We all gotta make a living, right?” he laughed, mimicking Hyunjin’s words from earlier, closing the distance between them.

“I guess so.” Hyunjin laughed before accepting the kiss, too enamoured by the soft touches to question Jisung’s morals even further.

It took him longer to fall asleep that night, with Jisung quietly snoring into the crook of his neck he wondered about how truly safe he was there with him. 

Hyunjin was a bit scared. With Jisung he always felt scared, but it was thrilling so he lept anyway. He wasn't scared of him though, the boy was a perfect mixture of rough and gentle, in the way Hyunjin desired. But the situations he kept finding himself in got his mind wondering if it was sane to keep going.

In the end he decided it would all be okay. Maybe he was tired, maybe he just wanted to enjoy life, but he chose to not care. He could trust Jisung.

Waking up in Jisung’s arms felt way too good, like he hadn't really woken up, just transferred into a more colorful dream. They stayed in bed all morning, just taking in each other’s presence, speaking nonsense into thin air.

As midday rolled around, noise from all over the house started erupting, popping the little bubble they had created for themselves. 

“Let's go down,” Jisung suggested in between yawns, stretching his limbs. “I want to see if Changbin-hyung is there, then we can go eat breakfast.”

“Jisung, it’s probably like, 1pm.” Hyunjin protested.

“And? I want breakfast so that’s what we're getting. At 1 pm.” he laughed, getting up and pulling a pair of pants over his legs and throwing Hyunjin an oversized band tee.

Just like Jisung speculated, Changbin was downstairs talking to some of the guys Hyunjin didn't know. After Jisung greeted him and they had a quick conversation in hushed tones which Hyunjin took as a sign not to eavesdrop, the three of them went to the nearest diner to have “breakfast”. 

It almost felt like the three of them were a normal group of friends, laughter coming easily out of their throats as they cracked joke after joke, falling into a comfortable and strangely familiar pattern. 

It felt normal, though Hyunjin knew it wasn't.

At least he could pretend.

_ July 15th _

_ Minho-hyung, _

_ I met a boy! You would adore him (or maybe you would hate him, but either way doesn't matter cause I like him). His name is Han Jisung (yes, he’s korean too!), he likes skateboarding and playing those shooting video games you sometimes play when you're bored, he's kinda bad at it but it's endearing. He's also insanely hot but in a weird way cause he’s kinda tiny but also ripped??? He also smokes which I know you're gonna disapprove of, but I honestly don't care, it's sexy.  _

_ Now tell me how is your lover boy? Seungmin is such a cute name i think if it weren't for you ogling him every time we went to that damn library I would’ve asked him out, so I'm glad you finally had the courage! Put your big boy pants on! (You know, teasing you without the threat of getting wet toilet paper thrown at me is not half as fun, I admit I miss that…) _

_ I might be getting more busy now, with auditions and the extra roles I'm landing and now Jisung, I'm barely finding time for myself, but I’ll make sure to keep writing to you. I miss you hyung, keep writing back to me. _

_ With love, _

_ Hyujin _

Hyunjin knew lying to his best friend in the entire world was a bad idea. He knew Minho would be disappointed, he had never lied to him. Granted, lying to Minho was quite difficult since he could see right through Hyunjin. But things were different on text and Minho never had to know.

Hyunjin and Minho had been joined by the hip since kindergarten and Hyunjin knew he could trust Minho with his life, but he also knew the older had always been critical of Hyunjin’s impulsiveness, though lately he had tried being less vocal about that, letting Hyunjin explore life as he pleased.

But sometimes Hyunjin missed being reprimed for not thinking things through. 

Truth is, he wasn't ready to face real life yet, living was like a hazy dream and who knew what nightmares awaited for him once he opened his eyes.

It felt like a dream when he rode down the eternal California freeways with Jisung. The hot wind on their hair and the hot sun setting away. It was always the sunsets that comforted Hyunjin the most. Jisung loved watching the sunset. The orange glow that made emotions feel too raw and burn under the skin enveloping them.

It felt like a dream riding away as the asphalt cooled down and his mind hopefully did too. With Jisung yelling out nonsense by his side, convincing Hyunjin there was nowhere he’d rather be.

“What is this?” Hyunjin asked as Jisung threw a flyer on the counter.

“A flyer.” he replied, taking a bag of chips from the counter.

“I can see that. And please stop taking these, my boss is gonna notice and he's already on my neck about how I've been arriving late.” 

It was true, Hyunjin had been getting to work late almost every day, from spending the mornings with Jisung and trying to squeeze in shoots (no, he hadn't taken up a “bigger role” in a porn movie, but he did continue accepting the extra ones along with a magazine shoot or two, it paid well after all), the convenience store had become the least of his concerns. He didn't even know why he was still working there anymore, it's not like he desperately needed the money, with how much he stayed at Jisung’s place he was even starting to consider moving there with him. 

Perhaps it was a way to pretend like he hadn't strayed that far away from his goals, this job, after all, was the only thing that kept him in touch with reality. There was also Chan. Hyunjin regretted how much he had disconnected from the older, and Chan hadn’t missed on how much he had changed, something Hyunjin himself had taken a while to realize.

“It's a flyer for the strip club where I sell some of the dope. You've been looking for a reason to quit this job and here I am giving it to you. You're welcome.” Jisung stared at him as he started digging into the bag of chips.

“I’m not working at a strip club Jisung, what the fuck? And I haven't been looking for a reason to quit. I don't know where you got that.”

“Yes you have, you hate coming here and also why wouldn't you? You always say you love dancing, here's your opportunity to showcase your skills, take it.”

“By working at a strip club? I wanna dance in movie musicals not for” he eyed the flyer again, it was for a gay club, at least “a bunch of old white men. Who am I now, Nomi Malone?”

“Hey, no need to be mad at me baby, nothing wrong with dancing at a club, they pay well and you deserve to shine on a stage, any stage.” he grabbed Hyunjin’s hands, playing with them “And I've no idea who this Malone person is but I bet she isn't half as pretty as you.'' It was incredible how Jisung always managed to insert the cheesiest lines at the worst of times, but he never failed to draw a smile on Hyunjin’s face with them.

“Alright Jisung, I'll think about it, okay? Now go, I need to work.”

“Okay, I'll be waiting at the diner down the street, baby.”

Jisung left swiftly on his skates, bag of chips forgotten at the counter next to the strip club flyer.

A strip club. A damn strip club. Did Jisung really think he had come all the way to Los Angeles to work on porn movies and dancing at clubs? Is that what had become of him? Jisung didn't seem to see a problem with it, he seemed to think it was fitting for Hyunjin, in a flattering way. Might not have been a bad idea after all.

A part of Hyunjin was still riding that high horse that convinced him that he was above all that, but maybe it was exactly what he needed to get back on track, kick away all fear and just dive right in, like he was so accustomed to doing before. Maybe it was meant to be after all and not something to be ashamed of.

Turns out working at a strip club wasn't as bad as Hyunjin had initially perceived. He did love to dance and be covered in sparkly things. The attention was exhilarating and, surprisingly, he loved talking to the men who devoted all their attention and money to him, even if for just one hour. 

In the two months of living in LA, Hyunjin had slowly come out of his shell and he learned that he loved talking to people. His english was good despite the accent, which he figured was his charm. Talking to the patrons at the club was fun, like talking to a friend, only they paid him and asked for a lap dance or two.

Every night he would put on thigh high leather boots and lay his heart out on that small stage. Hyunjin had always heard he let people see too much of him, in the way he spoke or acted, wearing his heart on his sleeve, but as bills piled up on his back pocket he learned that he couldn't care less what others would think. For the first time in a while he felt true to himself, even if it took him an extra shot of vodka or an extra drag of his cigarette to truly let loose.

And every night, after long hours twirling around and pouring champagne, he would come back to Jisung, high in his bed, who would greet him with open arms and pepper his whole body with kisses and bites. He would drown every bit of doubt and exhaustion with the feeling of Jisung inside him, and sleep well into the morning as he recharged to do it all over again. B linded by the colorful lights, Hyunjin let himself dream once again. 

Youth slips away from us when we least expect it too. It is a painful reminder that we’re not as in control of our path as we would like to be. But there's still a wonder in losing ourselves, that sliver of hope that this is just a step into what will become of us, that this too shall pass.

Hyunjin believed that this was all just another step.

“Hey, earth to Hyunjin” a groggy voice coming from right below Hyunjin’s chin snapped him out of his haze.

“What?” Hyunjin mumbled back.

“You were far away, I missed you'' giggled Jisung into the crook of Hyujin’s neck. “What were you thinking about?” he asked, voice muffled by Hyunjin’s recently dyed blonde locks.

“Doesn't matter, Ji...” dazed thoughts swirled around his head as the high from the pot they smoked all afternoon wore off. 

“Yeah?” something told him that Jisung wasn’t really that interested in getting an answer, more specifically, something hard prodding on his thigh. It was like that with Jisung, he always managed to make Hyunjin’s mind blank of any thoughts. Maybe that was all he needed: sleeping all morning, lazy sex in the afternoon, and mindlessly working all night, meanwhile his brain melted under the Californian heat.

He felt his body voluntarily prop itself on top of Jisung, slowly rolling his hips and diving in for a kiss. Effortless. Numbing. 

Jisung’s touches were intoxicating, poisonous even. As fiery hands traveled through his body, evoking pants and moans, he let himself travel far away again. Getting high on Jisung, a drug as addicting as the ones the boy himself consumed.

_ August 23rd _

_ Minho-hyung, _

_ I haven’t heard from you in a while, or maybe I’ve just lost track of time. I've been thinking that we should call, please write to me and tell me when you're available. _

_ It’s been almost three months since I got here, it’s crazy how time flies fast and how much life can change in so little. I've been thinking a lot about my life back in Korea and how different it is now. I thought it would be better coming here, in a way I guess it is, I feel more free… but it’s so scary, I'm scared of who I have become and of what people see me as. At first I was so eager to be the best possible version of myself, show that I was more than what the world would let me be. I wish you would’ve come here with me, we could've been unstoppable together, but I know you are happy there, I believe someday I will be too. _

_ Missing you a lot, _

_ Hyunjinnie _

It was a regular Thursday night. The ceiling fan creaked as always. Hyunjin hated that noise but he came to accept it since Jisung wouldn't sleep without it on. At some point in the night the room would get cold and Hyunjin would throw his long leg over Jisung’s small waist. He was always burning hot as if he had a permanent fever, body naked and coated with a thin layer of sweat. 

Lately Hyunjin could barely sleep. The room above the convenience store felt suffocating with its bare walls and the presence of his few belongings staring back at him was a constant reminder of all that he’d left behind. So he left the kitnet to stay with Jisung instead.

Sleeping with him didn't actually help. The fan, the smell of drugs and mold, the noises from the other rooms. He was kept awake all night, but at least he wasn't alone. And that helped shut off some of his worrying thoughts.

That night though, he slept well. 

Arriving earlier than his usual from the club, Hyunjin found Jisung had been waiting for him in bed, clean and wrapped in a towel, no signs that he had been playing any games or getting high, just bare and waiting for him, with loving eyes.

After getting out of the shower, Jisung pulled him into the bed. The sheets smelled clean and felt soft to his touch. Everything about that night felt unusual. Jisung’s extra soft touches and the way he paid more attention to every detail on Hyunjin’s body, making sure to map out every mole, every curve. Hyunjin was tired, too tired to question anything. The whole room felt warm and safe like it was just them and no one else in the entire world and he let himself get lost in the sensations.

The weather was getting a bit cooler so they held each other a bit tighter. He slept through most of the night not even feeling the weight of Jisung’s body leave his side at the crack of dawn.

Hyunjin woke up with the sound of thumping downstairs.

Thumping wasn't unusual in that house. The lack of Jisung’s arm over him was. 

Stretching his limbs, he realized he was alone in bed. As he slowly opened up his eyes and scanned the room he noticed how weirdly empty it looked, he hadn't noticed that the night before. Apart from Jisung’s absence next to him, the clothes that used to be scattered around were nowhere to be found and neither were Jisung’s junk on the bedside table. It still looked dirty and messy with the moth-eaten curtain barely keeping out the midday sun and various miscellaneous things, whose owners had left behind years ago, laying around. Hyunjin never questioned the nature of the room Jisung slept in, he felt it wasn't his place to, but now looking at the empty spaces Jisung’s stuff once occupied he realized just how unhomely it looked. Well lived in, but not by anyone who really cared enough about it.

Sitting up on the bed Hyunjin felt nauseous. The hideous aqua green wall paint staring blankly at him, he hated those walls. He hated everything in that room. The smell, the colors, the thin walls and the leakage coating the ceiling with mold.

More thumping came from downstairs.

It was often noisy, Hyunjin hated the noise as well, but today especially it felt piercing to his ears. 

A sudden wave of loneliness took over him. All the talking from the rooms around him and he was all alone in that squeaky bed, wearing a shirt that seemed to be the only trace that Jisung was ever there beside him. As he moved his hand over the empty space next to him his fingers brushed upon a small note lying between the sheets on Jisung’s side of the bed.

_ "Pretty boy, _

_ Don't forget to watch the sunset. _

_ Jisung" _

Hyunjin stared dumbly at the note. It was written in a torn piece of paper from some notebook. Jisung’s handwriting was hard to read but little did that matter since there were only a few words.

Hyunjin wanted to scream but his throat felt dry and tight, he didn't understand what was going on. He couldn't.

He needed to get out of that place. Wherever Jisung was he needed to find him. He needed to know what the fuck was going on and why he felt like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

He slipped into his dirty pants feeling his senses slowly coming back to him. 

It was fine. Everything would be fine.

He went down the stairs to the common room. Everyone seemed busy there, the same group as always on the main table, handling the drugs. Changbin sat on a lounge chair, counting the money.

"Hey Bin, where's Jisung?"

"He left." Changbin barely looked up as he stated the obvious.

"Yeah, I got that.” Hyunjin felt annoyed, Changbin didn’t seem to get the urgency of his words "Where to?"

Then Changbin laughed.  _ Fucking laughed. _

"What do you mean where to? He left, man, like he always does... He didn't tell you?"

"No." Hyunjin chuckled. He really didn't know what was going on but it seemed like it didn't matter anymore. Jisung had left, he was gone.

"Yeah..." Changbin gave him an awkward apologetic smile "Sorry dude, he just does that. He stays a few months and... Nevermind. Just... Go home okay? It's not safe for you here."

“No, I wanna know. I wanna know what’s going on, tell me what the fuck is going on."

Changbin sighed and pulled Hyunjin to sit on a chair at the back of the room.

"Every summer, for around four years, Jisung comes here, rents a room and stays with us. He helps sell some of the stash as you know and we let him stay for as long as he needs. It never lasts more than three months though, I think this is the longest he stayed. He always brings someone to stay with him, boy or girl, and leaves them behind when it starts to get cooler. He usually tells them he has to leave, but I guess he didn't this time. Better for you in my opinion."

Hyunjin just stared at the man with a dumbfounded look on his face, trying to make sense of what he'd just heard.

"Alright.” Changbin exhaled, getting up from the chair. “Again, sorry dude. Take your time. You know where the exit is."

Hyunjin laughed to himself, this had to be some kind of joke. A sick joke. 

Was he nothing more than a joke to Jisung? Was he just a silly summer fling? He wondered when he had gotten so caught up in the novelty of falling in love in California that he completely missed out on the obvious. Maybe the truth was right in front of him all along, but his vision was clouded by naivety and eagerness, and he didn't try looking past it.

He wondered if it all had really happened. If it wasn't for the shirt draping over his slender figure and the crumpled up piece of paper he still held tightly in his fist, he might have fooled himself that it was just another dream. 

He wondered if it was all an illusion, a prerecorded fantasy designed to make him fall. He wondered if every single word out of Jisung's mouth, even the quietest, seemingly rawest ones, were fake. If he even saw Hyunjin besides a mere toy for his own pleasure.

He still liked Jisung in spite of that, maybe he liked Jisung because of that. No matter how much he tried, Hyunjin couldn't simply shrug off everything he felt over the past months. It wasn't love, he knew it wasn't, but it was stronger than any emotion he had ever felt and it left a mark in his chest. 

It was around 6 pm when Hyunjin realized he had been aimlessly walking along Sunset Boulevard.

He had to get ready for work soon, but he couldn't make himself turn away. He kept on walking, even if every step took a huge toll on him.

At some point Hyunjin started to hate this city. He didn't know when it began but slowly he realized it wasn't just the way the city tore his dreams apart. The dry summer air stuck to his skin damp from sweat, crawling into his pores and twisting his insides. 

He hated how artificially happy everyone looked. The dull scenery adorned by the palm trees full of fake promises.

Those fucking palm trees. They made everywhere look like a damn postcard and Hyunjin was sick of it.

His eyes were void of tears though, perhaps he had reached levels of pain that went beyond the need of tears. He just felt bare. Stripped of his dreams. Stripped of his love. Stripped of his youth.

He thought of Jisung.  _ Jisung. Jisung. Jisung. _

All prerecorded. Fake. A lie.

He thought of Minho and what the older might have been doing. Probably having lunch, getting ready for class, hanging out with his new boyfriend. Did they ever get together? Hyunjin didn't know, it had been a while since they talked, he hoped they would call each other soon. He didn't care anymore about hiding anything away from Minho. He was far too tired to care. 

Tired of feeling lost, of living a fantasy, not knowing where it would lead him.

Eventually he just walked back home. 

_ Home? _ Where even was home anymore, he couldn't tell and at that moment, he couldn't care. 

So he just walked.

The sun set one last time. 

_ It's the edge of the world and all of Western civilization _

_ The sun may rise in the East at least it's settled in a final location _

_ It’s understood that Hollywood sells Californiacation. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hi.  
> If you're here, thank you. Writing this story was a bit hard for me because I think I bit off way more than I could chew dealing with topics I knew far too litle about. At first I had a completely different idea of how i wanted to write this and it ended up not as good as I wanted it to be.  
> I hope I did the song justice though and that you enjoyed reading it.  
> Either way, thank you for giving my silly little work a chance.  
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/mnsungies)


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